Oh, I don’t know…
Do you ever feel like you should cry, and you really want to, and you really need it…but you just can’t? The emotions to back it up just aren’t there. You know what you should be feeling and you do feel that way in the back of your head, but it’s just not coming to the front?
You haven’t heard from someone you really care about in a while, and they’re not responding to your messages or calls. You’re worried and paranoid….and your logical side is telling you that everything is fine and there’s an explanation for everything. But, you also know they’ve been having a hard time lately, and you just want to know that they’re okay and they still love you. And you want to cry about it. You want to be angry about it. You want to feel anything at all…but you just don’t…
I’ve been in a strange mood lately. I’m about to open up.
I’m in a relationship. A lot of people are. And I’ve been in relationships before, but there’s something really good about this one. Something I don’t want to screw up. I care so deeply about this person that it really hurts sometimes. True love, huh? I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I want to keep this person in my life for as long as I can. But lately, I’ve been down and in bad moods and snapping. I can’t help it, and I don’t know where it’s coming from. But, I can’t help but worry that I might be in the early stages of pushing this one good thing away. This is a person that I wouldn’t mind staying with for a long time…maybe forever…and I’m scared.
I was mean. They were mean. And now I haven’t heard from them.
I don’t know what to do. They’ve had it rough lately, and I’m hoping that they are just taking some time to sort through life and take care of some things alone, but I thought we were at the stage where we could talk to each other. Where, even if they needed that alone time, they could say it and I’d be fine. And I would be fine. But they didn’t say it. And now I don’t know what to do.
Do I just go over there? Do I keep calling? Do I leave it alone, because I don’t want to look obsessive. I’m not obsessive, just worried. This has never happened before.
I’m not ready to give this up, and if they are I need to know. I need to prepare myself.
I’m sure it’s nothing. Everything will be fine tomorrow.
I feel like I have some sort of block in my brain. I can’t sleep. I was thinking about this while I was watching the butt of my cigarette burn out on the sidewalk. I’m just empty lately.
Wow…I’m good at this, aren’t I?
I’ve seemed to make it a small habit to mention what I’m listening to when I’m writing. At the moment (no judging) it’s Demi Lovato. I can’t help it. She’s talented for a 17 year old.
To be perfectly honest, I completely forgot that I had even started this. When was the last time I wrote? 6, 7 months ago? Pathetic. I was reminded that I allowed myself to take this venture when a friend asked me to critique his new blog. He actually has a degree in journalism so is more likely to make blogging a regular activity than I am. I’ve never considered myself to be anything close to a writer.
School’s started up again. Sadly. I was supposed to graduate this past spring, but because of a serious lack of interest in what I was studying, I managed to successfully fail a coarse. The first “F” I’ve ever come close to receiving in my entire life. And I’ll tell you why:
There’s a lesson to be learned from my “failure.” Do not settle for the safest route. Do not settle for something you don’t want because it’s guaranteed. Like everybody in the world, I have big dreams and plans for myself. Unlike some people in the world, I refuse to settle for anything but my biggest aspirations. And that’s where the “F” came from. I got that grade in a course required for my major. I pass that class, I graduate and get shoved into a career that would make me miserable for the rest of my life. The thought of living that life made me depressed. I had a hard time for a couple of months with being happy. I couldn’t get my mind away from being that unhappy doing something that I truly did not want to do, which made me even more unhappy. I stopped doing the work. I stopped going to class. I stopped trying all together because just being in the class, discussing the subject and the job made me so deeply depressed and scared that I couldn’t even bare to be in the classroom. Now I have an “F” on my transcript, and a new major. Of course my parents are about ready to kill me, but that was just the type of event that I needed to get myself on the path to the career that I really want, and now I couldn’t be happier, just because I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the office walls around me…I can hear the important phone calls…I can imagine how happy the work is going to make me, and I couldn’t be more excited about it.
I was lucky enough to realize this early in life how important it is to truly not give up on your dreams. I’ve only just begun my journey towards my final goal, but I know that I’m going to get there someday, and just that is enough to keep me working for it. I’ve never been passionate like this about something before. I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. For the first time in an extremely long time, I’m really happy with where my life is going.
Two Thousand and Nine Years Later…
Happy New Year!
I had my first wild New Year’s experience last night. The house was a disaster area this morning. It had to be quarantined.
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable hunger? And along with this hunger is a deep desire for some sort of food item that you don’t have and/or can’t get in the middle of the night. That’s a horrible feeling.
I hate hangovers.
Happy X-Mas, Y’all.
So my last post was in July and it is now December. Good thing I have zero followers, or they’d be the most disappointed and neglected group of people on the planet.
It’s 11:30pm my time and I’m sitting in bed listening to “Evaporated” by Ben Folds. It’s probably one of the greatest songs ever written, in my opinion. He is a very talented man and if you’ve never listened to Ben Folds or Ben Folds Five, you should probably make an effort to do so.
I’m also stressing out about my Christmas shopping. It’s December 22. Christmas is December 25. I have no gifts bought yet. I have a feeling my family is going to be able to tell that I bought all of their gifts last minute, but when you have no money, you have no money. I love the economy.
I am looking forward to Christmas. I’m not a religious person at all, but I appreciate the non-religious “meanings” of Christmas. Seeing family…giving…all that gushy stuff that people are embarrassed to admit makes them insanely happy. I’ll admit it. I love being with my family and giving them cheezy gifts. Merry Christmas.
And if you celebrate something other than Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, Happy Everything.
Then there’s New Year’s; the massive, world-wide celebration of new puppy calendars. This is a holiday for getting dressed up, getting drunk and making a lot of noise. Those are all fun activities for everybody, I think. I can’t wait to go to a fancy New Year’s Eve party. I just hope I have somebody to kiss when the ball drops. There’s nothing more awkward than being the only person at midnight without someone to kiss. Worst case senario: Get super wasted with somebody, kiss them, blame it on the booze. (Unless they’re attractive and/or extremely well liked, in which case you pretend you were both completely sober when you tell the story later.)
All in all, the holiday season is pretty great. It has it’s ups and downs, but when you look back on it, you remember the family fun and the kiss at midnight, not the stupid woman at WalMart that snatched that DVD player right out of your hands.
Happy Holidays.
Well…
This has turned into a successful venture, hasn’t it? I can tell how dedicated I am, and how easily I forget things. I haven’t even been busy, just forgetful. It’s summer, what could I possibly have going on? Nothing.
I don’t even have anything to write about now. I just feel like I should. I’m listening to Journey, talking to friends on AIM, and trying to get the cat to stop stepping all over my keyboard. A very exciting existence.
I guess the reason I can’t seem to get myself to write on this thing is because I don’t really care to share my opinions about things. I always feel like I’m not informed enough to talk about the things I feel.
I’m an Obama supporter, but I don’t think I know enough about politics to support my choice. I always find myself getting caught in conversations about who I do and do not support and I can never give a reason why, and I get eaten alive by whoever I’m talking to.
I’m pro-choice, but don’t like getting in arguments about it. A baby is a huge life changer, and if a woman isn’t ready for that change, or got pregnant in a situation that was against her will, she should have the right to terminate the pregnancy.
I’m a celebrity gossip whore. I visit PerezHilton.com every day.
I’m obsessed with YouTube. But, I don’t think it’s a good way to get “discovered.” People who open YouTube accounts solely to get a recording contract or a big acting deal should probably actually try to make a living in that field first. It’s a cop-out way to “make it big.”
I hate MySpace but I love Facebook. I just wish they hadn’t opened up Facebook to anyone other than college students.
I hate people that are considered to be “awesome” because they play the guitar. But I wish I could play. Pianos just aren’t as portable.
I go to PostSecret.com every week. Reading other people’s secrets makes me feel better about my own.
I guess that’s enough for now. This is probably what my blog will end up being. Little list-like installments of my thoughts and opinions. I guess it could be worse…right?
Here goes nothing…
I guess this isn’t very original or adventurous. I never have been that type, I suppose. I’m surely original, but pretty much the same as everybody else.
I’m sitting here in my living room with my laptop, waiting for my laundry to be done. A lowly college student, not completely sure of their major, but in far too deep to change it now, on a fast track to a lot of academic trouble, but still attempting to graduate in less than a year. What’s on my mind? ”I think I’ll start a blog.”
After all, I have friends with blogs, siblings with blogs, I read blogs. I should probably have one.
What do you write about in a blog? What the hell is a blog? A Weblog? A log of what?
According to Wikipedia.org (and of course we all know that every piece of information on Wikipedia is totally and completely true) blogs were around in the 1990′s, but were then nothing more than virtual bulletin boards of sorts. And now it’s an online airing of grievances. A diary where you can anonymously proclaim your undying love of that boy in art class, or scream out your hatred for any sort of political figure.
I don’t yet know what I’m going to talk about in this blog. I’ve at least decided to keep it anonymous. I’ve had sort of online diaries before that haven’t been anonymous, and those experiences have ended in what can only be described as disaster. I feel like this is the one, though. I might actually do something with this one.
This post is already much longer than anyone is willing to read, so I don’t expect to get many “hits,” but I think I’ll at least be able to get a few things off my chest, or air my opinions about current events without actually having to have some sort of discussion or debate about them.
I guess that’s what blogging has really become. Saying things you’re too afraid to say off of a computer screen. I can’t really argue with it.
We’ll see what happens.
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